32 Flavors

It’s funny.. I am reading to Josh everyday now.  Mostly Dr Seuss but sometimes a little Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus.  I’d like to write him a fairy tale over the things that have happened in the past year.  I think it’d go something like this…

Once upon a time in a place shaped like an armpit lied a small castle.  It wasn’t the biggest, or prettiest of castles, but it had a mote and people enjoyed themselves there.  There was a happy prince and princess and they frolicked and sang.  They were to someday be queen and king of the land and were so happy just being together.  The Prince was someone everyone loved and his Princess was rough around the edges but had a heart of gold.  There was also the Jolly court jester that made all who met her giggle and belly laugh.  They were a truly happy bunch of fools.

It all changed when the Wicked Troll from out west traveled to the armpit  state on the shoulders of the devil.  The Wicked Troll was a truly ugly person, both inside and out.  Her power was this magic spell to make everyone see her as a person she wasn’t.  Those closest to her saw her as beautiful friendly maiden, while everyone else saw her for the evil, ugly, miserable person she was.  The first to fall victim to her evil spell was the friendly, good Prince.  The troll polished his sword and he was immediately under her spell.  Everyone was so sad when the Prince started to change.  His heart even went from being large and golden to being shriveled like an old prune.  He no longer really wanted to be with the rest of his kingdom, aside from the old Wicked Troll.  Even his princess was practically left behind.  It wasn’t long before she was taken by her spell as well.  For fear of losing the prince, she succumbed to the poison.

The Wicked Troll banished the people that saw the true her from the kingdom if her powers didn’t work on them.  The first to go was the friendly court Jester.  Several other maidens were also subject to her torture.  It was a sad day for that little kingdom in the armpit state.

The kingdom started to leave in droves leave the Prince and Princess alone with the Troll.   She kept torturing them and being generally evil while the rest of the kingdom lived happily ever after.

The End!

I need to get a few things off of my chest and this is my perfect forum to do it.  I highly doubt many people will read it but here goes.

My name is Teresa… and believe it or not, I am a human being and I actually have value.  I have likes and dislikes.  I have a past, present, and future.  There are things that matter to me, and things I am interested in.  I have a heart, and I want to trust people.  I want to believe people are as good as they are, and not have to question whether they are lying or not.

So what am I getting at?  I AM NOT A FUCKING HUMAN PLACEHOLDER! I do not exist to take the place of other people’s friends simply to be discarded when you are done with me.  I was never employed as a seat holder like on the Emmy’s or Grammy’s or the like.

This is a position I seem to be repeatedly placed in and I am fuck tired of it.  I deserve to have people who want me in their lives other than to be a sounding board when the goings get tough.  I have absolutely no problem being a shoulder to cry on, none.  I would go to the ends of the earth for the people I call friends.  Those who truly know me know they can call anytime, day or night, whether it means getting no sleep when the critter gets up in the morning or not.

If I am not good enough to be your friend when things are good, I am certainly not going to be person to pick up the pieces later.  If you talk about me behind my back, it makes you even more fucking pathetic.  How cool are you hanging out with a person that you trash?

I may be a lot of things but I am not worthless.  I may not be pretty and I may not be popular.  I won’t be at every Broadway show or every gig or every concert.  But here is my reality…  I don’t NEED to be..  I don’t NEED to measure my worth in the shows I see, the gigs I go to, who I know, or how many friends I have.  I see the shows I see and am involved because I WANT to be not because I NEED to be.  It’s not a status thing for me.  I have always been perfectly happy being the girl from Philly who loved the things she loved alone.  Even if I never spoke to another friend about theater or music, or movies or whatever, I would still love them just the same because they are my passion regardless of who is involved.  Hobbies are just that, hobbies.  They aren’t the way I measure my life.

I’m sort of glad the herd is starting to thin itself.  It makes me care more about the people that matter, and to not worry about those who don’t.  I am worth something.  I am worth something to a lot of people.  I have a family that loves me, good friends that don’t take me for granted, a son who is the most beautiful child I have ever seen, and a husband who I want to slap clear upside the head but I have him.  I am loved, and I am not alone.

I am Teresa, and for the love of God, I am worth something.

It’s Thanksgiving morning, and you’re sitting there in your pj’s looking at Black Friday ads while drinking your warm beverage of choice.  Parade time, and of course, you have to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  Cool floats with celebrities, at least a few Disney personalities and musicians performing.   Broadway shows do their thing (one of my favorite parts).

The balloons though?  To me they are probably the coolest.  Did you know that they bring Macy’s employees from all over the country in to control the gigantic monsters?  Sometimes nearly 100 people control one single balloon.  All choreographed to move in certain motions so that characters dance, spin around, and not plow into buildings.  It’s all really facinating when you think about it.

So what happens when Jill from Poughkeepsie decides to trip over her chucks and faceplant?  Other people holding the balloon trip over her, sending Big Bird into a dangerous tail spin.  Arms aren’t moving in any normal manner, the lines are tangled.  His head, his body, legs all moving in varying directions.  Everyone pulling in different ways just to try to right the behemeth character, only semi successful to keep him from flying off into the sky or popping on a side of a sky scraper.

I sort of know how that balloon feels.  I feel like my heart, head, gut, soul, are all moving in some sort of weird unchoreographed abnormal fashion.  I try to stay upright and going but it gets so hard sometimes.  Rationality, past experiences, how my heart feels and my head feels, logic all forces pulling me all sorts of ways.  Then the people closest to me holding the strings, try as they might to right me have the hardest time.  It’s not a fight, it’s not me fighting, it’s just hard getting all of my parts moving in one fluid motion.

The biggest danger to the balloon?  The wind.  If the winds are strong enough, they don’t even let the balloons fly in the parade.  The helium is taken out and millions of children pissed that they can’t see a 100 ft. high Dora the Explorer.  And the people holding the strings on a breezy day?  Occasionally dragged like ragdolls across the pavement just trying to keep precious Kermit the Frog from taking out a small family of 4 from Whitey McWhitebreadville.

As I navigate my way down this breezy street, I only hope that no one trips on their shoes and plows me into a building.

I’m not alone, I wish I was
‘Cause then I’d know I was down because
I couldn’t find a friend around
To love me like they do right now
They do right now

I’m dizzy from the shopping mall
I searched for joy but I bought it all
It doesn’t help the hunger pains
And a thirst I’d have to drown first to ever satiate

Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it
Something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is
No I don’t know what it is
At all

When Autumn comes, it doesn’t ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there’s fog inside the glass around your summer heart*

Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it
Something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is, no I don’t know what it is
At all

I can’t be sure that this state of mind
Is not of my own design
I wish there was an over-the-counter test for loneliness
For loneliness like this

Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it
Something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is
No I don’t know what it is

Something’s different
And I don’t know what it is
No I don’t know what it is

Friends – check
Money – check
Well-slept – check
Opposite sex – check
Guitar – check
Microphone – check
Messages waiting on me when I come home – check

How come everything I think I need
Always comes with batteries?
What do you think it means?
How come everything I think I need…

I love you boys, I cannot properly even begin to express my love for you and at the same time…GAH.  Look, I’ve loved your music for a long time, a really long time but dude, how can you possibly put into lyrics the way I feel. I was learning to play your music on Judas, my Fender acoustic, and the words really really sank in.  So please, for the love of God, get the fuck out of my head.

Love Always,

T

These two.. yeah ow…

How to Save a Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

And this one:

Over My Head (Cable Car)

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that’s how it’s got to be
It’s coming down to nothing more than apathy
I’d rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who’s still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Let’s rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that’s disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I’m becoming the part that don’t last
I’m losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won’t let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Everyone knows
She’s on your mind
Everyone knows I’m in over my head
I’m in over my head
I’m in over…

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind